Sawyer's 14th Birthday

Does a Mama every look at her child (especially her firstborn) and ever NOT see the baby that once there was?  Do they ever not wonder how they got from first fluttery kicks to a saucy independent person?  Do they ever stop thinking that they could solve the trials of this world by cradling them tightly in their arms?  Do they ever really know how they start to let them go, let them grow up, let the be grown up.

I woke up at 3:00 in the morning (this has been my reality for the past 2 months - waking up between 2:30 and 3:00 and lying awake for 3 hours)...in a sudden panic...only 4 more years until he is legally an adult.  Will he be ready?  Have I been enough (no), did I do enough (no), did I try enough (no), did I love enough (no), did I teach enough (no)...no matter what the question, I know I was not enough.  Faith has never come into practice as much as raising a teen.  I know I can't and never will be enough.  The more I grow, the more my only desire, besides my own personal walk with Christ, is the walk with Christ that I want desperately for my children to have.  I want them to springboard into their lives with a solid foundation and a deep love for Christ that sustains and carries them.  And the hardest thing in the world is that I can't make that happen.  It isn't about me...it is between them and the Lord...and somehow my job is to let go...because they never really were solidly mine. 

14, and a Junior High boy

He was my tiniest (and fussiest) baby.  

The weather was spectacular for the birthday boy...clouds and sun and hail and thunder and lightening and rainbows...life all wrapped up in the sky.









We went to the library, to Dutch Brothers for a birthday treat, and them home again for an afternoon of read alouds.

It was raining so hard, I could barely see out the window.

And I had to pull over to watch the muddy run off from the field.

In our driveway

Library books in the cozy house.

Present time...

Sawyer endured the sweet sentiments of his siblings with their wrapped up hand me ups gifts LOL.  

What is this, a vacuum?


Oh my...his first shotgun.

Who is this teen...I hardly recognize him.

Dessert at DQ.

We really went all our for Sawyer's birthday this year.  We got him a "grown up" gift, we have a family meal planned for Friday, and he is having his first every birthday party - paintballing with friends (Dad's versus kids).  He is so excited and I am so relieved that he has made friends and connections in our church family.  Poor Sawyer has always been the isolate in our friendship circles with everyone else in the family having similarly aged children and genders. 

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