November Days

My favorite place in the house is in front of the window in the playroom.  It is the largest window in the house and the sun streams in.  Winter sun is a cherished treat (and winter for me is November-February).

The ginko tree is one of the last to lose its leaves so when the rest of trees have all dropped their leaves, this one lingers just a little longer. 

Phil and I each ran separate errands one day (on my birthday), he took the children up to Portland for Brighton's appointment and I picked up the salmon that we bought.  It is a rare time that I am traveling alone so I stuck my camera in my bag and took this shot off the coral red blueberry bushes.

School...oh my....this is so NOT where I thought I would be...  I was fairly decent at fun and creative lessons in my public school classroom though I really had to squeeze them in and I figured when I became a homeschooling mom, I could just truly teach the way I wanted to, unhindered by the expectations and requirements of the job.  I could just do the "fun stuff" and everything would fit in.  

I love to lesson plan; I love unit studies; I love hands on activities and learning through observations, through exploring and adventures; I love books and stories, poems and music; I love history and art and nature journaling.  When I had my oldest in First and Kindergarten, I was knee deep in baby and toddler care.  We did some hands on activities but I didn't have time to plan or prep for the fun stuff between diapers and naps and nursing and house care so I figured I would bide my time a little and we could really get into my "dream teaching and learning" when they were readers and writers and the little ones could sit at a table and participate.  Wow...I didn't see dyslexia, dysgraphia, dyscalculia, speech issues, ADHD, and whatever else we are yet to discover...coming.  Did.not.know. that I would be trading in my homeschooling ideal for hours of tutoring and struggles to fit in just tutoring and math.  I didn't know I would be teaching 6th and 4th grade with children who had to stop reading and writing while going through remediation.  I didn't know my planning would become research, doctors appointments, phone calls, etc..  This is not exciting school.  

"Oh, just fit it in, you can do this.  You can make it all work.  You can put these ideals into practice."  I can't.  Right now I can't and I truly struggle that everything I loved to do and planned to do feels a million miles away.

This is my reality...attitudes and struggles, letter tiles and sounds.  

 Out of desperation for something in the creative realm, I spur of the moment put together a mushroom unit.  I picked mushrooms from my yard, pinned a few things on Pinterest, jotted down some ideas (mushroom prints, collage mushrooms), and planned a mushroom hunt for Friday after speech therapy.  We did mushroom activities, all of one day, a 30 minute sketch, with the all the ideas still penciled into the week's plan left undone.  

I had two children wake up sick.  (Neither child ate much the day before due to not liking the food served.)  This lead to a decision about food.  Brighton in particular really struggles with eating.  He doesn't like most vegetables, he doesn't like most meats, he doesn't like "mixed" foods (most casseroles, sauces, soups, etc.), he doesn't like beans, he is really picky.  It is genuine, he will gag or throw up if forced to eat something, he will go without and then wind up sick.  Oh his last wellness check up (which was done when we had a hearing screening before his dyslexia testing), he was quite low on the growth chart for weight.  This goes beyond weird eating habits of toddlers.  My philosophy has always been...eat what you are served, be grateful, if you are hungry than you will eat, it is rude to refuse food that someone has prepared for you.  I make meals and try to serve foods that people enjoy but I am not short order chef and I don't cater to picky eaters.  But what if this doesn't work...what if your philosophies are causing harm?  I decided that Brighton would no longer go without eating.  I know that he won't eat most dinners so I will have a shake, or almond butter and crackers, or yogurt or whatever available.  Better to nourish his body than battle my food philosophies.  It just isn't a hill worth dying on.

And on that note...ADHD...after countless hours on the phone talking to the offices of various doctors and psychologists, wrestling with whether or not to have an expensive comprehensive screening done or go with a doctor's evaluation, whether to go natural and holistic care or the medicine route (again, really challenging my philosophy of raising children and health), I think we have arrived with our decision on how to proceed forward with ADHD screenings and solutions.  This has NOT been easy and Phil and I have not always agreed what is best.  There are so many factors, so many decisions, so many choices...we really just have to press forward and through trial and error and learning and research, do the best that we can do.  We have a plan and will now start the execution of it.  This includes things that we do at home (fidget toys, teaching management, extra help and patience!), watching trigger foods (we pretty much already do this), and an evaluation with a medical doctor...and then we will proceed from there.  

And then there is a sad boy because every.single.one of his socks has holes and he has to wear his sister's socks.  

I have sometimes wondered whether or not I should "immortalize my struggles".  We are walking a road that not many people have to walk.  These are my children, not something inanimate, not "just" a job, not a difficult situation, not something that will solve itself in due time, dyslexia (et al) is for life, and I feel as though the decisions we make almost, just almost, have eternal bearings, because these are eternal people.  Raising children is the next most important job next to your relationship with Christ and your relationship with your spouse.  It is sacrificial at its very least and I never imagined that it would be so hard.  

I am thankful for Phil and his devotion to our family.  He is taking over parts of homeschooling, taking Brighton up to Portland for his tutoring, working late and evenings to make up for the time at work that he has to miss, he is cooking more and helping out with chores more, he is forcing me to take time to be creative at the expense of time for himself.  

I am thankful also for my parents.  They have been supportive and it is so important to feel listened to and to know that people care.