Beauty...and brokeness




I have been so thankful for beauty this July.  The weather has been unusually cool and my garden unusual stunning (We haven't finished the outside yet so I haven't done my beautiful garden tour..but hopefully, it is coming soon!).

We have had a really emotional week.  This summer, despite my hopes for recovery from a busy year, has been productive but not fun or relaxing.  

Phil has interviewed for the Director of Technology at the high school.  For us, for him, this isn't just a job he is applying for.  It is a position that has been redefined largely in part because of the work that he has done over the past two years as a TOSA (teacher on special assignment).  He has built relationships with individuals, teams, administrative staff, program representatives; written programs; and been instrumental in making changes; plus he is in the middle of a lot of projects that he has created/overseen that could very well be turned over to someone else.  It is emotional and has been at the forefront of our conversations for nearly 5 months now as the district has been slow and purposeful in the process of redefining this position.  It is very formal, very professional, very "all the right avenues and channels" of the hiring process.  Phil is so dedicated and has done such great things.  For Phil to become an administrator at the district level is a very unusual step from "teacher" status.  We know he is competitive but this kind of job doesn't come available often and the applicants are also competitive.  

The good news is...Phil is a finalist.  This means he is one of the top three candidates.  He interviewed with the superintendent...and now we wait.  Phil feels confident and good about his interviews.  Not that he "has this in the bag" but that he represented who he is as a person and as a leader well.  The other candidates have not has their professional lives over the past 16 years monitored and examined like Phil has and I think Phil can say with confidence that he lives who he is and he lives out his beliefs.  He also felt like every question was answered just the way he wanted it to, with clarity, representing who he is, and with the authority that he would need to do and live out the scenarios and plans that were proposed or asked of him.  Even if he doesn't get the job (and if the other candidate is highly experienced with the same strengths that Phil has...that is a likely possibility), the fact that he has made it this far to be considered for such a position shows that the work that he has done and the relationships that he has built have been valued and recognized is encouraging, and we are trying to cling to this when faced with such uncertainty.

Phil and I have hashed over the topic of leadership, strengths and weaknesses, potential interview questions, doubts and fears, what ifs, how personal this whole process has been, we have shared in the not knowing and the waiting game....for months and it has been exhausting.  We both just want it to be over...one way or another!

Second, my Gram has been moved to memory care and from the little that I know about how it went, it was horrible.  I have been helpless on the sidelines throughout the entire long process from her move to a retirement living situation from her home, to the move to assisted living, to the realization that a move to a memory care facility had to be done, the search for facilities, the move itself.  I have wanted to do something; to help, to support, to weep and mourn with my family, to be a part of the coming together, to feel useful and helpful, to be as Grandmother-daughters-granddaughter blood bond and life long history in unity perhaps for that one last time; and I didn't know what to do and where my boundaries were, and I was confused by some things that happened that left me out of the process.  And my heart is broken for her and for what has been lost.

Third....and I preface this by saying, this is my personal blog, my journey of life, a record for my children of their childhood, honesty and pain and real life shared but hopefully in respect and without indulging too much personal information.  I guess a huge part of this emotional time, ought to be shared, at least a small peek into my emotional heart...  something very personal and a deep wound to my soul... really something that has gone on for many years but a final "nail in the coffin" event translated to the last straw.  I feel as though I have been working through a death like tragedy these last couple days...raw emotions of anger, defeat, mourning, sadness, a desire for justice/fairness, a struggle of not feeling good enough or worthy enough or "worth it", a need for love and grace and understanding, a need for Jesus, a fear that I can't find Jesus, a logic knowing that I need to rise above BUT an inability to do so, a need to know what to do and how to move forward from here...just a lot of raw "primal" and fierce emotions.  I have hashed this out with a couple of sister's in Christ who have helped me "bear one another burdens" and I feel like I am ready to stand up and start working through what I can control which is me and my life and moving forward.  

This has nothing to do with my husband or my children...our family unit is safe and strong and my husband is my rock, my supporter, and has held me up and protected me and for that I am so very grateful.  I am grateful for the fortress of my home. 


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