Early Morning Ponderings

My time with the Lord in the morning is truly a most precious and amazing time.  I eagerly get up and I am excited to have this time.  It is dark.  The house is quiet (mostly!).  I am alone.  I get a cup of tea and I sit down with the Word and with my favorite devotional book (100 Days of Blessing by Nancy Campbell).  I read a Psalm, a Proverb, and currently I am reading through the New Testament.  I read a devotion or two.  I find myself so hungry for the Word of God!!  I want to know all He has to say.  I want to be obedient to all He asks of me.  I want to reference and support every decision that I make, that Phil and I make in our marriage and in our parenting to scripture.  Of course, I am a miserable failure!  LOL!  So, I also want to cleave to the Lord's mercy and forgiveness.

This is an excerpt from my most favorite children's devotional called Leading Little Ones to God (Marian Schoolland).  I love how simply it is put and it is the cry of my heart:  "A Christian must grow.  God wants us to become like Jesus.  You know how good and kind Jesus was.  He was pure and holy, gentle and loving, and always did what His Father wanted Him to do.  Christians must become like that.  They must grow to be better and stronger Christians.  They must learn to do God's will.  They must grow strong to fight against the sin that is still in their old hearts.  If Jesus lives in your heart, you are a new creature and you will become more and more like Jesus.  Open your heart wide for Jesus to fill it with His love, and He will crowd out all the bad."

As I have been reading the last couple of weeks, I have been thinking about how we combat our flesh and thinking about how we train our children to walk in the Way.  I have been struck by the simplicity of directions, the recipes for everyday living.  Easy?  Definitely NOT!  But spelled out, yes!  I want scripture in my head, in my heart.  I want scripture in my children's head and in their hearts.  If I do nothing else as a homeschooling mother, I want to send my children as grown ups into the world, to make a stand for Christ, with knowledge of scripture.

I wrote these verses out to ponder:

And you shall love the Lord your God with all of our heart, and with all of your soul, and with all of your mind, and with all of your strength.  The second is this, You shall love your neighbor as yourself, There is no other commandments greater than these.  Mark 12: 30-31

How do we love: 

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous;  love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with all truth.  1 Corinthians 13:4-7

For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments; and His commandments are not burdensome.    1 John 5:3

You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.    Deuteronomy 6:5

I also began a chart with scriptures to use when training my children and for our family to memorize and keep in our hearts and in our heads.  It is my goal, that we learn and obey scripture.

Now....for true confessions.  I will admit to really struggling with "loving my neighbor".  It isn't that I dislike my neighbors, it is more that I fear them.  (There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.  1 John 4:17.)  What do I fear?  Besides lacking in social graces and feeling like I never know how to handle situations, I fear the awkwardness and uncomfortableness, and a sense that we seem to offend others.  I fully recognize that my own feelings of being uncomfortable has more than contributed to the situation that Phil and I have found ourselves in.  Quite honestly, since we really had a heart change in how we view scripture and parenting and have chosen to do many things differently (even from other Christians), we have lost commonalities that make fellowshipping comfortable and it seems that many friendships have dwindled away, we have lost support and encouragement.  People have become downright angry at us and our choices, made assumptions and accusations about our lives, called us names, and even questioned our faith.  We have found ourselves in a lonely place.  I have a hard time pushing past a broken heart and my own perception of injustice.  I have a hard time understanding why we are so alone in our choices.  I don't trust that anyone would be there for me in a time of need save Phil and a close friend who lives several hours away.  I just want to hole up in my home and be the "weird one" in private, to protect myself and my children.  As I have pondered the scriptures that I have written out, I know that while I have improved greatly in many areas, the Lord still has much work to do, starting with "not taking into account wrong suffered" (1 Corinthians 13: 5b) and a need to move forward and find a way to "pay back with a blessing" (1 Peter 3:8),  however small the baby steps might be.

I hesitate to post this last paragraph because it really makes me vulnerable and I "fear" further opportunities for disapproval.  But...this is the journey of my life and its pathway ranges from smooth and solid to muddy puddles and ruts.