Being Real
In "real life", I choose more or less to keep my struggles private. I have become increasingly selective about what I share and who I share it with. It becomes more and more evident that I need to take my "problems" to the Lord in prayer and to meditate on scripture and be cautious about coming across as "complaining". This isn't to say that close personal friends aren't needed but in cases where you share your personal struggles with vulnerability, your confidant should be someone who can pray with you and direct you to scripture and build you up with encouragement. Having emotional fire fuled or having someone be insensitive is counterproductive.
I don't hide the way I feel very easily and I know that this can and does greatly affect those around me. This is one of those areas in life that is probably my biggest struggle. Really it isn't about hiding the way you feel, it is about controlling and changing it as God has directed us to do. And sometimes you need to fake it until to make it. Emotions, however powerful, are not necessarily truth and no matter how hard we may try and justify our actions based on emotions, it simply isn't Biblical to do so. I am by nature a very emotional person and a lifetime of indulgment has made it has my nature.
Lately, the business of life has taken away the plans that I had to get my household in order, feel accomplished and successful, and press the reset button by establishing some order and semblance (all of which I feel crazy if I don't have). I have mostly been able to do this in my adult life. There was always an ending of new semester/quarter in school followed by a break and a fresh start. As a teacher, there were weekends to clean up, reevaluate, and start fresh. A new school year started with a sparkly clean room, preparedness, and new students. This summer has been particularly tough because I have planned and looked forward to a change of pace and some uninterrupted time to work hard and catch up. I let go of everything when I was sick "knowing" that I would have the summer to put the puzzle pieces back together. Now that this hasn't become the reality that I expepected, I have been somewhat of an emotional mess.
For instance, one of my major plans for the summer was a top to bottom, thorough house clean. Putting my environment in order when their is chaos is deeply satisfying. I like being able to work hard and accomplish something visible. It has been 3 weeks since the summer started and I have been able to do nothing toward this goal. Sure, I have started a hundred times but nothing has been crossed off the list. I get interrupted so often I can't get my momentum going. I did finally yesterday finish going through the children's and my own closet of too small or unused clothing. I washed , folded, and stored everything I planned to keep in bins. It has been time consuming and I still am not done but I was starting to feel like I was making headway. This morning, Sawyer showed me that he and Jubilee had peeled off the labels on all 8 totes that I had organized and now I have no idea what is in what bin and my label maker is out of labels. I just stood there and teared up.
One reason that I really enjoy my blog, is that it is my personal journey. I can process by putting my thoughts into words. It is a venue where I can share and be real and people are invited to follow my journey but they certainly don't have to participate. For those who can relate, it makes for connections and to know that you are not alone. I can also look back and see where I have come through tough times and how things worked out or if they haven't that I actually did survive. If people think that I get what I deserve because we chose to have a large family with children close together in age, I don't know it. If someone thinks that I am complaining and can't handle it, I don't know it. I can blissfully type away and record life as I go through it.
I don't hide the way I feel very easily and I know that this can and does greatly affect those around me. This is one of those areas in life that is probably my biggest struggle. Really it isn't about hiding the way you feel, it is about controlling and changing it as God has directed us to do. And sometimes you need to fake it until to make it. Emotions, however powerful, are not necessarily truth and no matter how hard we may try and justify our actions based on emotions, it simply isn't Biblical to do so. I am by nature a very emotional person and a lifetime of indulgment has made it has my nature.
Lately, the business of life has taken away the plans that I had to get my household in order, feel accomplished and successful, and press the reset button by establishing some order and semblance (all of which I feel crazy if I don't have). I have mostly been able to do this in my adult life. There was always an ending of new semester/quarter in school followed by a break and a fresh start. As a teacher, there were weekends to clean up, reevaluate, and start fresh. A new school year started with a sparkly clean room, preparedness, and new students. This summer has been particularly tough because I have planned and looked forward to a change of pace and some uninterrupted time to work hard and catch up. I let go of everything when I was sick "knowing" that I would have the summer to put the puzzle pieces back together. Now that this hasn't become the reality that I expepected, I have been somewhat of an emotional mess.
For instance, one of my major plans for the summer was a top to bottom, thorough house clean. Putting my environment in order when their is chaos is deeply satisfying. I like being able to work hard and accomplish something visible. It has been 3 weeks since the summer started and I have been able to do nothing toward this goal. Sure, I have started a hundred times but nothing has been crossed off the list. I get interrupted so often I can't get my momentum going. I did finally yesterday finish going through the children's and my own closet of too small or unused clothing. I washed , folded, and stored everything I planned to keep in bins. It has been time consuming and I still am not done but I was starting to feel like I was making headway. This morning, Sawyer showed me that he and Jubilee had peeled off the labels on all 8 totes that I had organized and now I have no idea what is in what bin and my label maker is out of labels. I just stood there and teared up.
One reason that I really enjoy my blog, is that it is my personal journey. I can process by putting my thoughts into words. It is a venue where I can share and be real and people are invited to follow my journey but they certainly don't have to participate. For those who can relate, it makes for connections and to know that you are not alone. I can also look back and see where I have come through tough times and how things worked out or if they haven't that I actually did survive. If people think that I get what I deserve because we chose to have a large family with children close together in age, I don't know it. If someone thinks that I am complaining and can't handle it, I don't know it. I can blissfully type away and record life as I go through it.
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