Recollecting Myself

I had my midwife appointment this morning. Phil is officially done with school (although he starts a construction job Wednesday) so the whole family was in tow. After the initial health questions and other paperwork, it came time to hear the baby's heartbeat. The midwife was unable to find it. We were able to schedule an ultrasound for 3 hours later to check "viability". She though that perhaps my dates were off, but I was confident of the timing so that wasn't good news.

It was an agonizing time. We didn't really have time to drive home and back and since naps weren't going to happen anyway, we got lunch and went to a park. Phil supervised the children on the play equipment and I sat on a bench.

Behind my sunglasses, I teared up several times as I faced the possibilities. Having been in this position twice before, I was not hopeful. I pondered how a miscarriage this late in the first trimester would physical play out. Phil would have to take time off work to watch the children as I went through the physical part (some of the process is very much like labor). I wondered how we as a family would handle the inevitable post postpartum issues when we are just beginning to recover from the first trimester challenges. I wondered how I would be able to emotionally handle the postpartum depression. The miscarriage that I had in November had me pondering prescription antidepressants, it was so severe. I was dreading the inevitable "telling everyone" and bracing myself for possible comments and insensitive situations . Would I be able to handle it with grace or would I struggle with being offended and upset. What would the future hold on so many levels for me and for my family.

It was awkward having the children in the appointment and receiving not so good news. Phil and I never had an opportunity to talk and the children didn't understand what was going on even though we shared that Mommy was crying because our baby might have died. I hoped that the appointment would go as smoothly as possible no matter the outcome since they would be at the ultrasound with us as well.

Finally, time managed to tick by and I found myself laying on the table already crying and waiting for finality. We saw the baby on the screen and waited. I saw movement but wanted to make sure that really was what I saw. I asked, and yes, our baby was ALIVE!!! Praise the Lord!!! I begin to sob and sob and sob. Once I stopped heaving (can't continue an ultrasound when you are heaving), I watched my little acrobat wiggle, kick, wave, and squirm around like crazy. She took all the measurements and I measure right where I should with the due date that I gave. The only discrepancy, is that I thought I was 14 weeks along (with a 21st due date) and I measured 13th weeks and 1 day (a 20th due date) so for some reason, my own counting was off. We aren't sure why the heartbeat wasn't heard.

I left the building with a handful of pictures and relief, thankfulness, and emotional exhaustion. Phil had football practice almost as soon as we got home so we didn't get any down time. I am still trying to wrap my brain around the past 5 hours and recollect myself. I think I am still in a bit of shock. I plan on putting the children to bed a bit early and having some quiet time to try and recover. (Right now, everyone is watching a Magic School Bus while I type out my thoughts.)