About emotions
I am excited to start some posts based on communication with family members. I have had the benefit of research and study over the past two years and Phil and I have made decisions that not every one understands. I am glad that my family is open to asking questions and I love the opportunity to share what I have learned.
I want to precept my posts with the following statement: Many of my ideas are my ideals and hopefuls. I am working hard to make the changes that I need to make to be the kind of wife and mother the Lord has called me to be. This has been a long process and I have wrestled through many things and changed my mind on many topics. I am a work in progress!!
This all started with emails to a close friend (hi Michelle). I asked her the tough questions about why she was raising her children the way she was raising them and she answered. She introduced me to resources that I could check out for myself – the Woodshed website and forum, No Greater Joy publications, Above Rubies publication, etc. I have purchased many books on parenting and being a wife and read through them (slowly!!). From these and many passages of scripture, I was really awakened to reevaluate my faith and the role that I play as a wife and mother.
Topic number 1: Expressing emotions
I am not really talking about expressing joy, elation, excitement, happiness, etc. more the ones that might be thought of as “negative” like frustration and anger. Emotions in and of themselves are not wrong. They are in fact something that God Himself has because we are made in His image (and scripture points out many examples of God with emotions). But, they can quickly give way to self-indulgence and sin. I think this is true especially in young children. They don’t have the experience of life or the emotional maturity to understand “righteous emotions” like hating sin. Children (and let’s face it, adults too) often react on their emotions as a response to the flesh. It is completely focused on self and often times completely inappropriate. This is where Phil and I are trying to train the hearts of our children. We want them to learn to deal with their feelings in a Godly manner.
We WANT our children to cry and express emotions because this provides the slate for teaching opportunities. Sorrow, regret, feeling bad, etc. after discipline sets the stage for repentance, but we don’t want them to carry it through to self pity, anger, or manipulative and dramatic responses. We let an appropriate amount of crying happen and then have them work on calming down and moving on. If they don’t obey us in this, it becomes an issue of the heart and requires training. Other examples might be: feeling sorry for yourself to being others oriented, being fearful to working through fears, complaining to being grateful, arguing to learning respect and obedience, being worked up to letting go, selfishness to sharing, pouting/sulking to happiness, etc.
Our approach has been to 1. stop the behavior 2. calm down (if needed) 3. if appropriate a short lecture or explanation 4. repeat/practice expressing that emotion by replacing it with something appropriate. This looks different in different situations. We may ask them to stop and put their hands in their lap and look at us. We may call the offending child over to us to remove them from the situation while we address 2-4. Sometimes, 1 and 2 is dealt with by a time out. Sometimes number 4 needs to be repeated several times.
As I really started researching parenting, I came to realize something about myself that has been an issue my entire life and had become a habit very hard to break (now that I am aware of it). It is my own response to situations based on the way I feel. Growing up, I obeyed (for the most part) but I did not do it with a good attitude and frame of mind. I was pouty, full of self pity, and very negative. It made me miserable and it made other people around me miserable as well. When I became a parent, I decided I didn’t want to be miserable any more and I wanted to do right by the Lord, my husband, and my children. I have struggled with the intensity, commitment, and challenges of raising 3 small children and the feelings of frustration, being overwhelmed, annoyance, etc. that it brought to surface. How could I raise my children properly, if I felt this way? I knew I needed to change. I decided that no matter how justified I felt, it wasn’t ok for me to respond in any way except for lovingly toward my children (and my husband for that matter). Now, with that being said, I confess that this is really challenging and I make a muddle of it, more that I would like! Modeling appropriate emotional control is crucial, as is modeling apologies and forgiveness, because as humans we all do and will mess up.
Phil and I have found that requiring our children to “straighten up their face”, “smile”, respond to an instruction cheerfully, and repeat/practice the above when their attitude is sour quickly brings a change in countenance. We have also witnessed the opposite. Not addressing an issue of the heart manifests into a downhill spiral of outbursts, sulking, and numerous other “bad” attitude responses.
I looked up a number of verses relating to anger. I think anger sums up a gamut of other similar emotions that can lead to anger such as irritability, frustration, agitation, bitterness, cantankerous, etc.
Cease from anger and forsake wrath; Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing.
Ps 37:8
A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.
Prov. 15:1
Do not associate with a man given to anger; Or go with a hot-tempered man.
Prov. 22:24
The north wind brings forth rain, And a backbiting tongue, an angry countenance.
Prov. 25:23
Scorners set a city aflame, But wise men turn away anger.
Prov. 29:8
A fool always loses his temper, But a wise man holds it back.
Prov. 29:11
An angry man stirs up strife, And a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression.
Prov. 29:22
For the churning of milk produces butter, And pressing the nose brings forth blood; So the churning of anger produces strife.
Prov. 30:33
Do not be eager in your heart to be angry, For anger resides in the bosom of fools.
Eccl. 7:9
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.
Eph. 4:31
This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.
James 1:19-20
The only, “argument” for expressing anger that I found is from verse 4:26 of Ephesians which says “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” Even this when coupled with all the above, speaks of not expressing anger as an emotional response. It is something to be dealt with quickly and without sinning.
There is the verse where Jesus is “full of zeal” when he discovers the money making and exchanges going on in the temple but this is a righteous anger, not a selfish one.
There are a number of other verses that tell you how to respond like in Phil. 2:14, “Do all things without grumbling or disputing.”
With the second most important commandment being love your neighbor as yourself, 1 Corinthians chapter 13 tells us how to do just that; “Love is patient, kind, not jealous, doesn’t brag or is arrogant, does not act unbecomingly, does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account wrong suffered, does not rejoice in righteousness, rejoices in truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, and never fails!”
The last thing that I will leave you with, are some excerpts from L. Elizabeth Krueger’s book Raising Godly Tomatoes. This has been printed with permission from the author. This has been a great resource for me and I encourage you to check out her web page:
It is not wrong to have emotions, but unbridled emotions are dangerous and potentially devastating. Adults who feel righteous indignation upon seeing the innocent suffer, or children who grieve the loss of a grandparent, act properly and nobly. But not all emotions, displayed freely, are good. Both the adult who loses his temper when frustrated, and the child who throws a fit to get his way, are equally reprehensible. Emotions are attributes of God Himself, engendered in us when He "created man in His own image". The challenge is not to eliminate emotions, but to manage them in ways pleasing to God and in accord with His image.
Because God is gracious, He helps us in this task of becoming like Him, by revealing to us in His word, when we are to feel certain emotions and to what extent. We are to "hate" evil, for example. We are to "be miserable and mourn and weep" over our own sins. We are to "rejoice" in Him. We are to "love" our neighbor. And so on. In addition to His direct instructions, God offers His example, so that we might imitate Him. Thus, when Exodus tells us that God is "slow to anger," we too must be slow to anger. When the Psalms describe Him as compassionate and longsuffering, we are to seek to be the same.
Jesus is, of course, our supreme example. His emotional repertoire was vast and we are given many examples thereof. Jesus was “consumed with zeal” when He saw God’s house being misused. He “felt compassion” for the lost and taught them, and for the sick and healed them. He “wept” when His dear friend Lazarus died. His soul was “deeply grieved” when He prayed in the Garden. And ultimately, Jesus demonstrated “love”, beyond compare, by laying down His very life for our sakes. In all that He did, He set an example for us to follow and gave us the power to do so.
Along with the biblical descriptions of wisely managed emotions, the Bible also gives us many examples of mismanaged and unrestrained emotions, beginning with Cain who murdered his own brother in anger, to Moses who lost his temper and struck the rock, to the malice of the Jewish leaders who sought to put the Son of God to death. Never are these displays excused because the perpetrators did not have the ability to control their tempers.
The Outside Reflects the Inside
One cherished, but highly erroneous belief is that a parent should not correct a child for displaying a wrong emotion, because the child will "suppress" the emotion rather than change it. Experience convinces me otherwise. Require young children to display the right emotions outwardly and their hearts will change, producing the right attitudes and emotions inwardly as well.
Of course you can't simply order your children to "be happy". If the child is small, it works much better to tell him to "smile" or "straighten up your face." If the child is very young, I'll cheerfully say, "Let's see a smile now", or "Where is your smile?"
The child may initially resist, but when he finally obeys, the resulting smile will often break into a radiant grin, accompanied by sincere laughter and other expressions of genuine joy. It is hard for a small child to hide his true feelings. It is equally difficult for him to display an emotion that he does not really feel. Get him to smile on the outside and invariably he will smile on the inside.
Changing Thoughts Will Change Emotions
Emotions are a reaction. So what are they a reaction to? Many would say that they are a reaction to a circumstance, but that is really not the case. They are actually a reaction to your thoughts about a circumstance. For example, if you can't swim, and you fall into the deep end of the pool, you'll most likely react with terror and panic because your mind will be screaming: "I CAN'T SWIM! I'M GOING TO DROWN!" On the other hand, if you are a good swimmer, and fall in the deep end of the same pool, you won’t panic. You’ll think: "What a bother! Now I'm soaked, better swim over to the side here and get out and dry off."
The same analogy can be broadly applied. The body, when surprised, releases a rush of adrenaline, but immediately your thoughts will influence the extent of your emotional reaction. You may be unable to control the emotions directly, but one can control thoughts, and hence your emotions through them.
I also find that if I allow wrong emotions to rule for even a second or two, it is much harder to get those emotions back under control. Once that adrenaline is flowing, it takes a few minutes to get it out of the system. Still, I can certainly control my voice and large motor skills and so I do. I attempt as much as possible to always display godly emotions and attitudes on the outside, as I work to change my thinking and the resulting feelings, on the inside. This is my aim -- and what I want to help my children to learn to do as well.
Emotion Changing Tips
As with all other misbehavior, nipping things in the bud is most productive. Practice observing your children. Learn to read their minds and anticipate their acts and motives. Many parents lament over children who talk back, roll their eyeballs, refuse to obey quickly, or show other signs of wrong thoughts and emotions. These are the signals you should be looking for. Notice the first indication of a wrong spirit and immediately bring it to your child's attention in order to fix it. If detected early, a simple verbal reminder and perhaps a little coaching about right thoughts, should suffice. Allowing an ungodly spirit to take root is your guarantee of far more serious and difficult offenses to follow. Wrong emotions lead to wrong attitudes, and finally to wrong actions.
Persuade Him toward Good
Sandra: I spank for disobedience and disrespect, and know that this can change a child's heart. But one can't always control the inside by spanking. Despite outward compliance, feelings might still be there. Isn't it dangerous to ignore suppressed feelings, taking the risk that the child will become bitter? Instead, wouldn't it be preferable to focus on the need to understand our feelings and deal with them correctly?
Elizabeth: Destructive displays of emotions, such as yelling, screaming, crying, self-pity, pouting, and hitting require immediate correction. But you are correct to say that the parent should not stop there, but proceed to address their child's heart. Those whose continual focus is their child's heart need not worry about him "suppressing" his feelings. A heart-focused parent will continue to draw out of his child, his true inward beliefs and work with them until the child is persuaded toward God and toward good.
Suppose your child hits his sibling. It is not enough to correct only for the hitting; you must also correct the anger that led to the hitting. In virtually no instance is anger toward a sibling justified. If he is not angry, he will not hit. If he is angry, he may or may not hit, depending on how you've raised him.
Whether he hits or not, if he remains angry he will likely express his anger at a later time. That is the danger in not addressing the heart. Therefore, to raise a godly child, you must correct the anger in such a way that you eliminate it. Focus on the action first, but then immediately address the inner motivating spirit and be sure it has been changed to a good one.
Because older children especially, are adept at hiding their thoughts and emotions and faking the response you desire to see, you must go farther than simple discipline with them. The older the child is, the more words can be used to teach and correct. Address his wrong attitude by verbally teaching him what he should be "thinking" in order to have the right attitude.
Discuss what happened and show him what the right response should have been. Coach him on the godly thoughts that should characterize future attitudes and motives. Persuade your child to believe as you do, that we should always strive for godliness in every situation and never be dominated by our feelings.
Verbal instruction like this works especially well in older children who have a personal relationship with Christ and a desire to do His will. But it will also work with any child whose conscience has not been hardened by habitual rebellion and disobedience. Adjust your speech according to the age of the child, then talk, persuade, convince, and talk some more until your child embraces what is good and right.
No Emotions Allowed?
Farrah: I am uncertain about all of this. Do we punish our children for feeling sad, disappointed, or angry? Perhaps I am misunderstanding you, but on your website, you cited a ten year old boy who cried for an hour because his party gift was accidentally forgotten at home and he was left empty-handed when everyone else opened their gifts. Yes, he should have stopped crying sooner after receiving comfort and sympathy, but can't we allow them to express any feelings of hurt and disappointment? Are such feelings to be stifled and suppressed? How should the situation have been handled?
Let's analyze the boy's thought processes and discuss how the mom should have handled him. When he realized he wasn't getting a present, he probably thought: "Woe is me; instead of something special; I'm getting nothing. Woe is me; everyone else is getting a present and having fun but me." If a child is given too much sympathy and thus encouraged to indulge such thinking, he will very likely become more angry and self-centered as he contemplates all the reasons he has to justify his unhappiness. It's a short step to the next descending stage of self-pity and rage: "I never get any presents. When I do, they are not as nice as everyone else's. Mom doesn't care, so I don't think I'll give her a hug. She's mean to me. She likes everyone else better than she does me...."
Instead of continuing to sympathize and console him, after allowing a short reasonable period of disappointment, the mom should have stopped the child and initiated a session in coaching and training: "Jimmy, look at me. Stop crying. Good, now listen to me. Jimmy, you know that I always do my best to get you a nice gift. You know that it was an accident that your gift was forgotten at home. Now put a smile on your face and enjoy the party and everyone else's gifts until you get home. Find a way to make everyone else happy today, not just yourself. Good. That's better! Smile and think about pleasing the others right now. You will get your gift later."
A child in the habit of expressing unrestrained emotions or being self-centered may need more persistent, determined lecturing, and perhaps even a little discipline in cases like this. The most important step is to stop the bad thoughts before they escalate, and replace them with good ones.
You should not attempt to stifle or suppress your child's feelings, but rather than allowing him to indulge his emotions, it is far better for your child to teach him the appropriate response to disappointment and other hurts or frustrations. Teach him to control his spirit and choose to think right and good thoughts.
The Fearful Child
Glenda: My five-year-old son is terrified of spiders and refused to come downstairs this morning because there was a tiny spider on the steps. He sobbed and carried on. Since the bug was too small for me to see, I told him to vacuum it up, but he would not. I don't think it was an obedience issue; I think he was simply too terrified to obey.
I had no idea how to handle the situation. Should I have disciplined him, or hugged and comforted him? How can we possibly go camping this summer, if he is going to erupt at the sight of a spider? Thanks in advance.
Waking Up on the Wrong Side of the Bed
Before I get into more questions and answers about the emotional displays of crying and whining, I’d like to relate one more simple story about how emotionalism was handled in our house.
When my oldest was small, he used to wake up every morning and come downstairs crying and whining about something trivial. A typical example would be, "Whaaaaa, my pillow fell on the floor." Funny at first, it became old in a hurry. One day, he appeared wearing his whining face, and I decided to stop it. I looked at him and said, "Now go back upstairs, and don't come down until you can name three things you are thankful for today." He was surprised, but obeyed. A little later, he came down and listed three things he was thankful for. I had him repeat this exercise every morning for a week. The crying game was over, never to reappear. Discipline for crying does not always have to be a spanking. Get creative and come up with something that motivates your child, can be applied immediately, and addresses the heart.
I hope that this has been helpful! It has been a great review for me!
Looking foward to part 2!
ReplyDelete