My sabbatical

It has been a strange two days…Phil went to a technology conference and was gone Wednesday and Thursday night. We rarely are apart so it doesn’t feel right when he is gone. Wednesday, I kept myself really busy house cleaning. I swept, vacuumed, did dishes, changed all the bedding, packed Phil and the kid’s bags, and folded 13 loads of laundry. I was on a mission to get caught up because I planned on heading up to the conference with Evangeline sometime on Thursday while the other two spent the night at my parents.

I decided last minute that scrambling to leave and driving an hour and a half during rush hour wouldn’t really give Phil and I much time to hang out so I stayed home instead. Phil was really busy and didn’t have any down time so this was a good decision. My parents still wanted the kids to stay over so it was just me and Evie. Now that was really weird!

It was a good reflection time for me. First, I realized how busy I am. With my two older ones and a husband gone, I didn’t know what to do with myself. There were no messes to clean, no diligent child watching and training, no need to fix big meals, etc. It was actually too quiet. I am used to bustling around working and interacting with my family. I often feel like I don’t have any big accomplishments to show for myself at the end of the day but just cleaning, cooking, and raising three children under the age of 4 is about all my plate can handle.

I pondered doing some hobby activities but decided instead to finish a book I started called Passionate Housewives Desperate for God and to reread and take notes on the book Raising Godly Tomatoes. The first book delves into the Biblical roles of women through scripture. Fleshly, I really struggled with some of the concepts in the book. Serving your family, supporting your husband, and training your children without serving yourself completely goes against our culture and our sin nature. Seeking after fulfillment of your own cup, however small, is not scriptural. Having to put aside the desires for ME time, outside recognition for MY hard work, MY hobbies, MY emotional wellbeing, MY feelings, MY whatever is something I really struggle with. I am a person who has always felt the need to protect myself and decide what my needs are and pursue them. Quite frankly, it hasn’t worked out so well. I have struggled with esteem issues and being content. Letting go of all this and relying on the Lord to give me what I need to serve Him is huge for me. It isn’t that you are never to have the things that I listed above but seeking them as necessary in order to have joy and peace, have your own identity, or to do the Lord’s will is not. The paradox losing your life so that you may gain it and the first shall be last and the last shall be first is everywhere in scripture.

Because I found myself getting frustrated and worn out by the end of the day, I know that I needed to reevaluate and make some changes in my child training. Upon reading (Godly Tomatoes) and reflecting, I need to focus 100% on my children throughout the day. No more long phone calls, chore time without children right by my side, playing in the playroom without extreme supervision, etc. In essence, I need a priority shift. Having dinner is necessary but producing something gourmet at the expensive of training is not. Having a clean house is necessary but accepting that this is a “relative” term and not putting it before training is needed. I will be working on this!

So, those are the concepts that I pondered and wrestled with the past 24 hours on my sabbatical of being a wife a mother. (Ok, Evie was there but the absence of the other three members of the family was so noticeable that I felt removed from normalcy.)

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